Christmas BLISS

This year is the first year in MANY years that I can honestly say not a worry in the world hit me!

I was kind of nervous a few weeks ago as things got closer, but when I seriously just prayed about it and let all things go I had a real feeling of peace.

Mike was able to make it to town ( a huge prayer being answered as I didn't have to part with Daya for a week in Louisiana ) and he agreed to let me have Christmas Eve with her, and him take her Christmas Day.

This worked well since we have the other 3 kids on Christmas Eve and not on Christmas Day. Christmas Eve we had some of my family over for gifts and breakfast, and then quiet time with just our kids and us at the house until we headed to Nana Sue and Grandpa Dave ( Tim's parents house ) for dinner and gifts there. It was a great relaxed no pressure day all the way around and the kids had a blast.
We were able to pull off a simple Christmas for all 4 kids, and even received a few blessings ourselves. All the glory to God for that however because as most of you know nothing else in our life is easy right now, and money especially is a huge hardship.

Christmas Eve night Tim surprised me with the biggest gift of all --- a proposal. Christmas day Tim and I took his parents to the airport and ended up at starbucks for coffee and breakfast before I had to be to work. I know right, who works on Christmas day... ME!

After work we took a nap, and then headed to my Aunts house for a nice little time with some more of my family. I even got to introduce my Mr. to my aunt and some other members of the family too :) It was a wonderful time.

If theres one thing I can reflect on it is God's peace and glory. So much has happened this year and so much has changed. The biggest thing being my heart and a couple of hearts around me.

All glory to him.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Blessed new year!

( pics to come soon )

I hear wedding bells... or ...

..... or something, but whatever it is it has a "Ring" to it!

Tim proposed tonight. Christmas Eve!

Tomorrow is our 7 month anniversary -- and even though I know we have talked about being together and married I guess I just kind of figured that when and if the time came it would be down the road a little bit.

Tonight he made several comments about how after we take his kids to their moms, and take daya to Mike that we would go see christmas lights. I was all for that since I love to look at lights especially on Christmas Eve and in the snow :) .

Away we went... we dropped all 4 kids off and then headed out - we made our way towards our church as Tim said there was some homes he was aware of down in that area all decked out. We got to the church ( it happens to overlook the river valley area ) and he started talking about the night he finally had the guts to ask for my phone number about 8 months ago. We were talking and when he got to the " spot " that he asked me for my number he parked in the middle of the lane, leaned over, slipped my "temporary ring" on my finger and said " April, it began here... Can it continue here? Will you be my wife?" , ( gush right?! ) .... I replied with "I will".

So... 6 months from tomorrow we will wed. We would have made it sooner, but we have alot to get settled first. God moves!

I never thought I would be in these shoes and boy do I pray each day to be making things right. But how blessed I am to be here. And now.

Tim, I cannot wait to continue this walk and make it right before God with you! You are an amazing friend and man and I am honored to now call you my fiance! Thank you for all you do, and all you are!

Your WIFE to be!

Another month gone.. update

Another random check in.

I got up early this morning to post on here, because its been driving me nutty that I have not had time to update. The only good thing I can think of is, not logging in gives me time to see if its something worth blogging about!

Ha -
So..... again, its been more than a month since I have logged in and posted publicly. I have some good ones, and I will publish as soon as I attach the photos.

In all though things are fantastic.

I am feeling good much of the time and even though I have my struggles each new day brings a chance to realize how blessed I am through everything and how things have changed.

Madaya is amazingly healthy, growing well and thriving more than ever. We had her to the nutritionist the other day and for the first time in a long time she was in the the growth pattern of 5%. But its on an incline vs. the downslide we had been seeing for the past 2 years. Talk about a happy momma.

Tim is doing well too --- still struggling with his lack of work, and self regrets about some of his behavior but in all is pushing through and relying on our awesome God. He has another interview for a teaching position this friday ( a previously applied for an interviewed position ) and he is keeping his fingers crossed. He is hoping to find another job as well, so that he can provide at the level he feels needed. I am just proud of him for doing what he can do right now. I know its hard - but I know we will get through it.

Come the first of the year ( gulp - I cannot believe its that close ) I will start my new daily bible devotional and reading plan, and I hope to use my blog as my journal, along with my updates. So maybe that way I will see a good healthy pattern emerge again...

Until then Ill be back soon to update on things ( and publish the other posts ).

SNOW DAY!!!

SNOW FUN!
Madaya loved playing outside today we got about 18" of snow and made great use of it!

Halloween Wrap Up

It has been a long weekend full of Halloween fun, when weston ( who is the oldest ) returned home Sunday night from tricker treating it was a sigh of releif for Tim, who hates halloween. We had been go go go since friday with a few Harvest parties, carnivals and then Weston got to trick or treat on Halloween ( while I was in the hospital, and Tim stayed home with the other 3 ). Here is our wrap up to Halloween

* I will release the other Halloween shots, and posts soon *

Westons Loot

Weston

Weston and Dad checking it out ( wanna guess how much Tim ate? )

Divorce Trial

This morning came and gone, just as I prayed it would. First of all let me say, that GOD IS GOOD. And I beleive that he is the sole reason I have been able to get through this as well as I have.
As many of you know ( and some will soon learn through blog releases ) Mike didn't ever properly respond and our divorce that was originally mutual and both signed, made it all the way to trial almost 9 months later!
So today ....

I walked into the court room not knowing what to expect but prayed that it would go smooth, without drama and that there would be a knowledge of truth, and justice.

Mike did call in from Lousiana, and the Judge proceeded with Trial.
I am going to spare the ugly details cause I don't think its necissary but in the end the judgment is this :


Mike has limited visitation on a Long Distance plan - Meaning Madaya my fly to Lousianna up to 3 times per year and for the first 2 years will be only for a week at a time. Mike must pay for her to fly there, and must accompany her both ways everytime, himself.
Mike has to pay childsupport based on his previous earnings ( he has since quit jobs and isnt working ).
Mike has to pay Allimony for 18 months at 250.00 a month until he pays back what should have been my 1/2 of the money he spent from cashing in his 401k.
I took debt of the marriage in the amount of 1700.00. He took none, but his own and the truck.
Mike does have to pay the eviction from the house on Harder from August 2010.
I get to claim Madaya for Tax and School this year, and any year he is not current in his support obligations.

After 6 long hours of trial were done... and all should be said and final by November 19th.

In a nut shell there it is.

I am happy with the outcome, and so glad I didn't ask for any of what the judge gave. Instead waited it and and prayed for what was just and as fair as possible.

Let the final days count down...

A bunch of apple pickers...

Tim and I met with Selina today to take the kids up to greenbluff after church - Our mission was originally to pick apples for my fall baking, and canning ( but they were over picked ) so we ended up playing in the orchard for a bit and selecting a few choice apples for our enjoyment! Later that day we headed to the pumpkin patch to select our pumpkins... ( stay tunned )

The Ripe apples too high to reach!

Miss. Peabody showing off her choice!

Bears do know how to pick nice apples!

And Roo's LOVE apples too!

Pumpkin Pickers up next....

Pumpkin Pickers

While at Greenbluff today Tim and I let the kids pick their pumpkins out... We had alot of fun watching all four of them ( and their cousins ) scurry about the pumpkin hill looking for just the right one.
Weston was a bit disapointed, but proud, when the giant pumpkin that he packed up the hill, outweighed all the other 3 combined and he had to select a smaller, more affordable one. All in all though we had a great day and on the way home we got to enjoy our fresh picked apples too!
There's nothing better than a day on the growers bluff, than a day on the bluff with some people you love!

Here is my pic of the patch :)

Laurens pumpkin

Westons heavy pumpkin

Roo's a pro picker

Brandons choice

Our 4 wrapping up the day

A little time, and alot to say

I have so much to say and only a little time, so I will briefly sum it up how is that.

I logged in to my email today to find about 10 emails from previous blog followers. They were mainly wondering if I fell off the face of the earth. So I log in here and low and behold its been since August that I released a blog. Now, to be fair I have been blogging ( you know I use it as my journal ) and most are just kept private, esp until most of my mess is clear. So... with that here you have it.

It's been a month since I moved in with Tim. Things are amazing. He lives downstairs, and I am upstairs. The bathroom did get done, the kitchen has allot to do, and everything is on hold as we litterally have no money. In fact the house is in for closure as he has been with out work now for 6 months ( In case your counting, he lost his job right after we met ). But, in the end we are wonderful and lucky to have a roof over our heads.

as to my divorce. Nope- nothing yet. We go to trial the 25th of October, and I have no idea what to think. I think its ridicules that it has even come this far there is no reason for it, but since its here I am dealing the best way I can. And handling it with lots of prayer!

as for Madaya, she just turned 4! The growth in her is amazing. She has come so far in the last 4 months even her counselor is amazed. She truly is wonderful. She loves our home life, and is more and more stable again even to the point of wanting to work on her school stuff again, for a long time she just lost all interest. She misses her dad, and asks of him often, but is starting to see the pattern. I know shes strong and that I am doing my best by her and that says allot!

As for my health --- doing OK. My immune system has its flairs, and my blood counts are still struggling.

I FINALLY had my hernia repair, skin removal, tummy tuck and breast lift on September 23rd. Healing from that is major and I am in a lot of pain, but getting better each day. I am 13 days post op I believe today, and now just have the binders on from hips to shoulders. They say I should start to feel and use my tummy muscles again in a couple of months. It ended up being 15lbs of tummy skin, and 2.4 lbs of breast skin/tissue!! That's allot. I do have pics but am nowhere near daring enough to share here :) .

I have to plug Tim in here. He has been a huge blessing with the around the clock care that I need. He changes, and cleans my drains makes sure I am on top of all medicines and is even helping maintain the house while I am down. Although, he does say he misses me! LOL its allot to do and he wonders how I do it.

I just reply, its a labor of love.

Speaking of love....

Aah, its all I am going to say :) Thank you for all your love and support. We truly are blessed. I wanted to share with you all the newest step for us.

NO WERE NOT ENGAGED!!!

But!

We did start a class at our church for blending families. Its called smart step families and it teaches us to how to gear ourselves and children in a healthy direction in blending our lives. I have to say this is a huge blessing to us, even though we have it relatively " easy " with the kids, its not always easy and allot of hurt feelings do come up. So this class is a great tool. Tim and I are also in prayer and seeking direction on rather or not we as a couple should start a life group for other families in our boat. Obviously a few things have to be wrapped up first, but we are in prayer about it! Join us if you would please!

Alright well theres so much more, but honestly I have been sitting up now for about 15 minutes and its about all I can take.

Please bear with me, as I re-gain my sanity and begin posting more.

Love to you all!

Home sweet...

MESS!

Before Tim decided I would move in here, he decided he wanted to re-do a few things in the house. We then together decided it needed re-freshed before I could/would come ( No offense to his Ex Wife - I just couldnt do it ).
So ...

We painted the frontroom, upstairs bedrooms, and started to fix the bathroom ( it needed a new sink ) ...

That was 2 months ago.
This morning heres the re-cap.

We have a beutiful bedroom for the girls thats painted, and finished out we ripped the carpet out, and did their floors with the wood that was in there a beautiful oak! We have a nice room that I am living in - its all painted, new outlets and redone floors too...
We have a toilet, LOL Long story, but its not upstairs in the bathroom, its downstairs. Why? Because the upstairs bathroom needed work ( A new sink ) cant you see how the toilet would be out? HA! .... Seriously though Mr. Young decided the cracked tiles needed to be replaced which let to discovering mold, which led to discovering more tiles, which led to re-doing the bathroom. So... We have a sink in there, a newly retiled window sill, and partial floor, and soon will have the toilet again. His dad installed the toilet downstairs so we were stuck. Downstairs was plummed and will someday be our master bathroom, but for now we have dubbed it our " honey bucket " . Its a lavish black plastic incased 6x6 foot room with a porcelin throne in the middle... who wouldnt want to use it?!
The front room did get painted, but needs to be trimmed out still, the kitchen, hall way, and downstairs are left completely a mess right now... but someday we will get there.

Ill have to take some pics of this mess. Any remodel is hard but imagine doing it like this, and doing it during an eviction, school, work, summer, and LIFE.

I appreciate Tims thinking that I deserve the best, and truly know that why he has been working so hard on making all this "perfect" im quick to tell him that stuff doesnt matter - its him :).

Home sweet.. mess.

I just dont know...

Where the time goes? Maybe by the time I am done with this update it will help us all tell where some of it has been.

So lets see - Its been a little over a month ( I KNOW! ) since I have had time to sit down and do anything let alone, blog. I made the time this morning because 1.) I need it and 2.) its important that I do keep up on my journal which of course is my blog. I have been blogging privately and some still remain unpublished but theres alot I can put out here too.

Things of late, have been nutty. That's probably a huge understatement.
I do no like to talk about the Divorce as one of the main things in my life, but unfortunately it very much is. Especially since it has gotten nasty. Nothing Mike and I had originally agreed on is the same. He has yet to find a job, a place to live stably and has not been contributing for Roo's needs in over 2 months. Its been sick! I waiting in the beginning of August to meet with his attorney he was "very confident" he could get it wrapped up in a few weeks, only to find out that Mike was for sure moving to Louisiana, and that his newest proposal was to fly Roo there once a month. I almost agreed to this, thinking this is how it has to been - then it quickly hit me how unhealthy of a situation it would be for Roo. Talk about changes, interruptions and the like. I can't imagine traveling like that as an adult, let alone a preschooler.
So moving forward I decided since Mike was all talk about that and taking her there, that it was time to visit the Ex-Parte court in hopes of getting temporary orders of child support, custody and the like. While there the judge put those orders in, but also a restraint against mike that he can only see Roo while in the state, and metro area.... set a court date for 2 weeks later.... Skip ahead. Mike shows up to court to try to tell the judge his plans, and while some things are taken into consideration, over all were both unready for a hearing ( Cant set support if theres no income, Cant set a parenting plan with only 1 parent stable ) so what it came down to was the commissioner saying and signing the orders that it needed to be re-heard but for now mike could have madaya for up to 7 days while in town. This was hard to hear and do. 7 days goes against anything in WA state for a child that young, but we did it. I wont even go in to the pain it caused all the way around. There was one point after court that day, while in the hall way that Mikes dad came to me, yelled at my face everything he can imagine, and then got into a fight with Tim ( not physical ) security was called, and Mikes dad proceeded to make alligations that Tim is a molestor, and sicko through and through... it was very stressful, and the actions of that man make me ill. To think that he can be so angry as to act this way, when " hes hurting for his son " yet his son is whats caused this is crazy. When and will they ever own their actions?!
Basically here, the only good thing is she got to see her dad.

........

As for School I have been finishing up the Summer Quarter, which ended on a horrible note. I still have no looked to see what I managed to pull out of English or Acct. but I am sure its not good. Things all fell into life at one time at the end of the classes here and I just couldn't keep up. all of these factors listed in this update were literally with in 2 weeks time, and right during finals! I was doing school FT. Working PT, and dealing with just too much.

All during this I had been evicted from the house on Harder Pl. that mike and I had moved into after the last separation, remember.... Grrr. I tried to stay there, and had intentions of making it there until February when my lease was up. I just simply couldn't afford the rent and my needs on my PT job, and no child support or alimony! So... In a crazy dash to get out it all came down to being out by the 20th of August, which resulted in the 17 and 18th completely emptying out the house into storage. Madaya and I were invited to move into Tim's house with him and the kids, and this would allow us to help them out too. To this date all my stuff is in storage, and were working on getting his house fully ready to hold all 6 of us ( see my blogs on that issue ).

Ok so as if that wasnt enough - lets add in here, that I have now been ill with strep and or pneumonia 3 times in 2.5 months. In case your counting that's 3 rounds of antibiotics in 2.5 months too. You know how well I handle that! I havent been well at all.

Madaya is amazing. She has grown so much this summer, and more in the past 2 months then I have ever seen growth at all. I had her at the Nutritionist the other day, and shes gained inches, but no weight. Still a great sign shes ok, and thriving in that level. Roo's counselor thinks maybe she was depressed and feeling some of the stress and unhappiness of the past. Talk about breaking my heart to think we had the power to do that to her. She is also showing much interest in her preschool work again, and is taking a liking to the fact that she is now a part of a blended family. She really is the reason to get up most days....

As to Tim and I things are amazing. I wake up every morning just wondering if this is too good to be true. If its a temptation I should run from or what?! To this day I know the timing wasn't mine, and struggle with the fact that it was someones, and that things are here for a reason. Moving in was a really tough decision. I had thought Madaya and I would go to a low income apartment or find something else, but it was Tim who said that ultimately his home is where we belonged ( Thinking forward ) and that there is no since on running two homes if what he and I feel is correct. On top of that Madaya got to the point, where she wanted to spend much of our days in at his house anyways, and literally cried when we went to ours. So, I moved in. I reside in the big room upstairs, and Madaya and Lauren have the smaller room. The boys are downstairs, and Tim is in our new room down stairs as well. This arrangement will work until were married. In our relationship things are even more amazing. The level of love and respect I find myself emerged in and reciprocating is truly amazing to me. Most days fly by and I can't think of life before him, or after him with out him! I find myself missing his kids in the week ( I KNOW I KNOW ) and our life together is finding its rhythm. You probably caught the " after were married " in that last few sentences. Yes, there's plans to marry and this too I struggle with. I don't and haven't really thought about getting re-married for awhile down the road. I mean I am still legally married now, and I have alot of issues to sort out, but at the same time Tim is no responsible for why I feel that way, nor should be he punished because of a decision I made. I need to be in prayer about this, because as he has stated he was absolute when he met me that this was how and what was going to be. He intends to propose to and marry me SOONer than later. But I don't nor do I want to know when that day is.
I find myself fighting thoughts of it daily. I love him, and its easy to imagine our life. It would be a tough start financially, but a easy go of it mentally. It would be abundant in love, and overflowing for joy, but I worry and wonder if its all right to feel like this?! I wanted to play the single mom card for a while and get on my feet, as he found his. He says were better off together and that those circumstances are just that. Circumstances. We should fight them together.

Sigh... I dont know what I did to deserve this man, or his love and respect and the chance to share his life and children, but I am sure glad they are all here! I never in 7 lifetimes would have thought I would be in this situation. In love with one man, and married to another. How many times have I passed judgement and here I sit.

Ok, enough mush.
We havent done much of anything we planned this summer cause again, I just don't know where time has gone.
We have been playing on the weekends when we can, and for the most part just trying to learn each other, along with the children and move one day at a time.
Tim is still looking for a teaching placement, and I am working PT, and returning to school in a few weeks for fall.
I also have surgery coming up ( See post ). A trial for divorce in October, and then sounds like maybe a wedding ;) But we wont go there yet....

Ok stay tunned. Ill remember I need this more!

My Life : Major Update

I simply cannot sit here and pretend that I have the time to go back and blog all that has been going on so I decided to do a Major update -- thanks guys for pestering me to get on it too!
I forget some of you who are so far away, and even close, still want to know whats been happening.

Well... lets start with today and work back a month!

Im in love. Yeah you heard the L word. Seriously I cannot explain it any other way. I hoped for a bit it was a "fling" a " void " a selfish need... ANYTHING but this, but it is, I am happy to say Love. It has to be. I have never felt this way before -and each new day is amazing. The connection on so many levels drives me crazy and I sometimes do get caught up in the wow - how do I deserve this?! Is it always perfect oh heck now! Infact I would say we have our struggles pretty well carved out for us. Financially, physically... theres just alot! But so worth it. Its amazing. I hate not being near Tim, and him I. We have spent just about every evening together, and often times end up talking late into the night. Can this be real?

More than just Tim, I am in love with his family! His children are amazing, his parents I am pretty sure are my ideal inlaws, and his sister is simply my long lost sister! NO LIE when I am with each of them I feel like I have always been there, or should have always been there, and that everything is natural. I love that feeling, and just the acceptance of Madaya and I.

Which brings me to Madaya...
Wow - the changes Ive seen in her are amazing. She loves having Tim around, is enjoying settling back into a routine again, and is acting more and more like herself each new day. We still have alot of melt downs and the typical 3 year old drama but taking it all in stride.
She misses her dad, and its getting harder and harder to encourage her connection to him, simply because she gets so angry when she does get to communicate with him!.

Hanna --- well lets see shes still a puppy and keeps me ( and now Tim ) super busy. Shes chewing EVERYTHING right now. Grr. It drives me nuts. But soon will grow out of it I hope. Ill have to post a new pic but shes so cute. Shes growing fast too! Shes 7 months old its hard to beleive! Besides being a pup shes loving spending time with Tim's dog " MIA " . Mia, is an english mastif and they get along famously as if they have been raised together. Mia is 3, so she is deffinetely showing Hanna the ropes!

Work - I am still working PT for Pediatrix Medical Group. For the most past it keeps me about 20 hours a week. Im loving it and praying to advance soon!

School - Its been 4 weeks and I am still struggling to get a good routine down. By some miracle I am maintaning a 97% in 2 of my classes ( English Comp & Word ) but, sadly have had to drop Accounting. I didnt get the book until 4 weeks into the class, at which point the instructor wanted all 4 weeks worth in 1 week and current lessons. JUST NOT DOABLE and I am not the only one this happened to!
I am planning on trying again in the fall though.
Speaking of fall for school - i want to go FT. BUT struggling with the financial aid side of it still. The divorce isnt final so they still count mikes income and say I cannot get help! It drives me nuts! I may have to take loans but again all in time. Im working on it.

Fun - I really havent had too much excess time honestly but when we do get out its been to the lake, the park or for a ride. Its been fun, but not near as much as I am used to or like... I need to be out more!

Home front... well theres big news. As things are right now Madaya and I cannot stay in this house. I have fought to afford it but simply cannot. My mom is helping with 1/2 the rent but shes struggling too and its just not working out. Right now we have a tentitive plan to move to Tim's in a couple of months, but that comes with great struggle so I am praying for the right direction!

Divorce : Well.. some will and some wont be suprised to learn its still not final! Court has come and gone, and mike has not done anything on his end that needed to be done - so... I am the one stuck waiting. If it goes to trial I plan on asking for 50% of all assets and re-doing the parenting plan to revoke joint offers. I hope he comes to his senses soon and realizes how easy and nice he has it but .... so far, oy, im going to reserve most comments!

Alright I need to get some things updated on here, and then return to the real world. I will try to keep up more. I miss blogging.

Share him with you!

I sometimes forget not all of you who read are on facebook. So I get these darn emails asking about this special something ... and well heres your reply.

This is Tim, and I at his Graduation Party last week.

First hurt(s)

Nice title for a blog post huh?

Just had to get it out.
Its later, I am tired and I really want to just go to bed.
But before I can let it go I have to give it up.
Here you have it.

Today was a wonderful day, but deffinetely a personal challenge.
Let me start with Lastnight.

I had girls night at Stampin' Bunco ( which I always enjoy and love ) and then we decided instead of bowling we would go out for a bit.
Tim, like many of the other boyfriends, husbands etc joined us afterwards to go out. His parents had his kiddos and my mom had mine. I didnt think much of it, simply because this is my once a month outing ya know...
So....
Tim and I went back here ( most of you know we are not " sleeping " together ) went to bed, and got up so I could get ready for work and church Sunday morning.
He took me to work and went to his house.
When he picked me up from work to go to church I asked him what the plan was and he told me we needed to go get the kids from his parents house.
I was a bit perplexed just because I thought they were going to meet us at church.
To which he replied he was supposed to go back lastnight but we were out way later than planned.
I talked to him about this, and to which he had all his answers and tried to just let it be. We went and got the kids, went to church ( where daya and my mom met us ) had a wonderful service, and proceeded with the plans he had for fathers day at his parents house after church. I felt horrible though cause he totally should have said something! I wouldnt have had him come back here with me!

At his parents house, I was in heaven. His family is so welcoming and supportive and it was so comfortable being there. Sue accepts my help, and my need to straighten up, and they all actively engage in my conversations, questions etc.
all 4 kids played, interacted with us all and it was great!

When we left Tim and I had told the kids we would take them all to the park ( its a favorite thing for all of us ). Well I took "B" his middle child and " L" in my car and he took "W" in his. From the minute we pulled away B started talking about how much he likes me, and hanging out with Daya and I but then proceeded with " My Dad has dated alot " ..... To which I didnt ask him to stop, but didnt encourage anything either. With 1 ear opened I listened as this child tells me all about his dads past ( BEFORE HIS MOM EVEN ) .... of which I already knew. What his me is that HE knew this. That means hes been exposed if at the least by conversation to certain things, and thats disheartning to hear from a child. He even listed things about his mom and his dad and how his dad wasnt treated right - which makes me think that his mom has said or done worse too!
By the time we got to the park I couldnt wait to talk to Tim. Not because it was " bugging" me but because Tim and I have been nothing but honest about this situation, how fast its been and whats happened before. This is all new to all of us, and we know things are to come up naturally, but this is one of those things.
Tim takes my hand, welcomes me to the park, and we walk..... and talk.... I told him everything I just blogged about with the details. To which he gets upset, but mainly because 1.) he felt B was trying to sabotage us 2.) he hurts that B had heard, or things of certain things 3.) its scarey.... he doesnt want to scare me or hurt me. (He had already told me all B did by the way ). I hugged him assured him that all 4 of these children may have questions, and to think about how sometimes him and I dont understand things fully yet - how can they . He hugged me back and we just took a deep breath. In my mind I was kind of thinking too, that maybe B was just trying to relay his contentness with this and that maybe he is really ok with this because he hasnt seen it before?! ( Feel free to give relative input )
We walked, talked and played with the kiddos some more.
By this time Im just taking it all in. I love to watch him play with his kids, and this time Daya wanted him to play with her too she let him pick her up for the monkey bars, and was all about " chasing " him!
I just sat there watching, praying, and thinking....
after a few I left tim and 3 of them to go watch B play on the other play toy, when B got excited he looked over and me and said " Hey SHANNON TAKE MY SHOES SO I DONT LOOSE THEM" I said... what did you just call me? He said " shannon" I said how about April. He said "yeah I meant that... They were together a long time "
I didnt think it would hit me, but it did. I totally had to walk away for a minute and I just busted out in tears.

Keep in mind the convo on the way to the park. Shannon is the girl he rebounded with after his Divorce ( and not for a long time ) , and while I do know what his reasons were and that shes not in the picture it just sucked! Something hit me.

I turned away, started to bawl, and just wanted to go home. It had been a day!
Tim knew something was up,walked over, asked what happened to which I didnt want to reply, but did and he was livid. I reminded him the confusion, and how maybe its really time we talk with the children about this, on their level and age needs, and see if we can help things.
He agreed but for the moment, we were playing - so let it go. He did say to B that he hurt my feelings and couldnt talk like that. To which B of course ( hes a kiddo ) took it hard. He kind of just sat there at the toy quietly.
I took the girls over to the swings and encouraged Tim to breath and go talk to his boy.
To which he did.
After that things were ok, but still, I was just done and ready to go home.

Tim kissed me goodbye told me he loved us, and said goodbye to roo and that he would see us tomorrow...
I drove off, daya passed out, and I just prayed to god that this man is true, and calls.

Tim did call later, and filled me in on his " talk " with the kiddos, and agreed that when were both ready we need to talk to them, but that he pretty much didnt want to scare me with the fact he asked the boys a few things and encouraged them to come to him if they are uncomfy or worried of something.
The boys told him they really like me.

Tim and I go away this next weekend, to which I think will be a good chance for us to really catch up with ourselves and see what and when to do about these kids of ours combined.
I know they are curious - they havent met all his " girlfriends " and they certainly havent seen their dad this happy in a while. I would imagine the same for roo. Shes feeling things, cause I can feel it and she loves having Tim around. she asks daily if hes coming to be with us tonight... and more and more loves playing, talking and cuddling with him and I. We can figure out our next move with the kids, and go from there.

Something I am really tripped up on is the fact that naturally or so it seems Tim and I just can read one another and know how to handle it. When I was crying he just knew how to mellow me - assure me and let me get through it. He didnt push it, didnt judge it and like he took the words out of my mouth its scarey for us all. He didnt expect this any more than I did. And 4 months ago who would have thought?!
And while I dont think in the least bit that everything will be or should be easy, and that there wouldnt be hurts, I guess im more hurt it was over something so small. But then again just made me think WHOA we sooo need to be showing these 4 kiddos a healthy relationship, and handling some things with kids gloves. So I beleive a boundry talk is in the near future!

it hurt, I talked to the person involved, we handled it.... Im going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

More Bad news for Daya

Poor kiddo had to learn today that her Dad was going to take a job that again will keep him away a month at a time, and allow him to see her 3-4 days a month!
Now I know in her mind that it doesnt set in, but I know in my heart that thats no way for him to have a true relationship to or with her.

He told her thismorning before he left town and took her to breakfast. I am sure it was hard to tell her, and I am sure it will sink in, so far though she has only said " My daddy works ways away".

I am so glad she sees a counselor.

Can I do this?

Some if not all of you know that I have decided to go back to school Full Time in pursuit of my Occupational Therapy degree.
What most of you don't know is that I've been having a hard time deciding schedule and finances to make this happen and the road its taking to get there.
I started looking in Winter after the separation, and at that time planned on just an 18 month thing in Medical Office but then it hit me that I needed, could and wanted to do so much more than I do now. I want to be able to provide well for Madaya and I make sure that no matter what comes I could make it in this world - and better yet be the best I can be ( didn't mean that to be a military slogan ).
So I decided that I would look into further options.
I did all my testing and placed high enough in everything that pre-req's wouldn't be an issue - but when it came down to finances just couldn't pull off school for Winter/Spring.
So for the past 3 months Ive been busting my but looking for funding, grands, financial aid etc .....
Finally was awarded a partial Pell Grant for Summer Quarter and looks like I will be doing Spokane Community College to get 15 credits taken care of before ....

Before what you ask...


Before I GO TO EASTERN WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY in the fall.
I hope to enroll in there OT program - but for starters will take the full course load I can.
There's only 30 spots a year they can fill, and although my test scores are high enough academically I am not there yet. I can apply for next years program in February!
If all goes well it will be 4 years ill graduate with my Masters, and then plan to jump to my Doctorate but we will see.

for now I have many days when I wonder if I can do this.
Its so confusing trying to plan these schedules, work, find financial aid, and oh yeah... Have a life!

I have a great team behind me though and I know in my heart I am ready!

Can you say ..... AWKWARD

awk·ward 
–adjective
1. lacking skill or dexterity; clumsy.
2. lacking grace or ease in movement: an awkward gesture; an awkward dancer.
3. lacking social graces or manners: a simple, awkward frontiersman.
4. not well planned or designed for easy or effective use: an awkward instrument; an awkward method.
5. requiring caution; somewhat hazardous; dangerous: an awkward turn in the road.
6. hard to deal with; difficult; requiring skill, tact, or the like: an awkward situation; an awkward customer.
7. embarrassing or inconvenient; caused by lack of social grace: an awkward moment
8. Obsolete. untoward; perverse.


.... I am thinking #7 sums this one up.


Last night Tim and I went to meet Mike. I don't know that I wanted this and lord knows there was much debate - but Tim seemed sure. Even my best friend said that I should just get it over with - you see, ( I will leave out much just cause its not even worth my time ) things had been tough with Mike for the past 3 days. Him texting non stop. He had found out about Tim, and then it never stopped. I did tell him I would like him to meet him, but not quiet yet. I mean seriously would have liked to know that Tim would be here long term first ya know - and I had not even had the choice or whatever to meet Mike's " Girlfriend".
I asked Mike not to bring his GF, because 1.) it was tacky to be meeting this way and 2.) its not freaking lets see who got what! ..... but true to him tacky self he showed up with her all over him.
Tim and I met them at Thomas Hammer in Postfalls, and got there just 30min before closing - GOOD TIMING.
We ordered coffee, sat down and ....

insert #7 here.

Mike proceeded to "interview" Tim, to which Tim confidently answered most questions, and engaged in a somewhat mellow conversation.
I, on the other hand did not have much to say. In fact I was too busy taking inventory as to why Mike cant pay his Child support or Alimony and how miserable he looked. This stirred my internal fire big time so I was more than happy to keep it shut!
In 30 minutes it was all over.

Tim and I left, and a little bit of a weight had been lifted - at least we both know.
Don't really care what they think of Tim, and lord knows my opinion of the whole matter is that as long has he takes care of Daya, and she can too - then honestly who cares.
I will say though that listening to Tim answer, and talk with him and all he had to say --- Totally made me realize just why God has planned things at such a time.
I tell Tim often, that I am amazed in the clarity, sincerity and truth that he speaks with. Especially when he talks of him and I or us ( as in Madaya ).

The seed I prayed for?

I posted a few days back that I had prayed that God plant the seed in me, and my future partners heart if that was in his plans...

Well - theres something begining to sprout, and I want to pluck it out of the ground.

Let me explain.

I have been spending alot of time with this man and I totally have something going on in my heart and head but at the same time want to demolish it. I want in some ways for this not to be true, not to be what I feel, not to be for long I want to not trust him, listen to him and embrace him. But its so hard to do all that. It seems to be coming so natural.
I find myself instead of plucking this tender thing out of the ground feeding it, watering it, giving it sun and a little bit of shade. Talking to it, raising it and praying more and more that it will bloom.

Is this the seed I prayed for?!

This could explain alot!

Today I was thinking about this new Man in my life, and while I still am very conflicted on some levels with things theres one thing that is more and more clear...

I really can be ME, and still welcome such a wonderful man and his life to mine in hopes of sharing something wonderful.



At anyrate I am a reader, I like to "know it all" and in that quest most know I analize everything. So I went in search of my sign and its roots ( which I already knew) but in the search found something interesting: His sign.



I have been wondering for few weeks what it is about this man that has me so captivated. Right down to his kiss. Seriously I have never felt this connection physically with anyone - so why was it this man could come along, swoop me into his arms, kiss me with his lips and look at me with his eyes and I can be ok with it? Crave it? Want it?! I have been wondering why in the begining when he talked to me ( just as a friend, fellow church member etc ) I would want to linger.... listening longer. I have been wondering why I am so comfortable, even though my present world has been spinning.

Todays reading may explain a few things.



Now you know me - Faith before all else. So Horoscopes and the like really dont play much into things, but I do beleive the signs are something! I am so true to a " Sagittarius ".



Hmmm...



Sagittarius : Are best mated with Aries. ( click on the links to learn more )

Wish I knew...

Today Tim took me to his parents house. They had a Graduation celebration for him ( read my other posts).
As I was sitting there listening, taking it all in today - I just felt at peace. At home. Ok.

Tim can hold me confidently in one arm, while introducing me to whoever it may be - and be so sure. I look at him all the time and think that someone should pinch me that this man cannot be this wonderful?
And im not saying hes flawless im saying it feels good to feel that connection. I just wish I knew why....

We did not have Madaya with us, however we did have his 3.
They are so fun to watch and play with. They love Madaya and talk of and ask of her often. I wish she could have been there to meet his parents, and I know that will come in time, but it was nice to hear out of his mouth ( I cannot remember who he was talking to) but he said " between the two of us we have 4, ages 11, 9 , 6 and 3... "
It was a wonderful day and I take everything he says, others say and the way he is all in and I just wish I knew right now how he can be soooo confident.

Is it just me being scared?
Is it just me gaurding my heart?

I wish I knew him while he worked so hard to get through school. I look at him and am so proud for him and all hes acommplished and can only imagine the late nights, the struggles, the sweat the pain and the worry and joys hes endured to get there. Although I am extremely happy to be holding his hand and supporting him right now...and through his graduation, I just wish I knew him then too!

Wish I knew I could be this nuts!

A huge Blessing

I guess this comes to no surprise, after all some of you have been noticing a certain glow on me...

I know this is early, and still very new, but its with a cautious heart I announce my huge blessing!
I have met a man named, Tim. He comes at a horrible time in my life, but yet everything seems ok. Hes been a reason to smile, for no reason. A reason to cry because I can, and a great reason to celebrate life!
He has 3 beautiful children, is the perfect balance to my needs, and theres a natural connection there that I or he cannot seem to wrap ourselves around. He says hes sure in his heart that Daya and I have a place there - and I told him " prove it ". Harsh I know --- but you all know where Ive been and where Im from.

You all know I said over and over " Any man who chooses to love me has his work cut out for him. Im damaged, Im weak, Im leary.... "
My heart isnt easily won over.
I have alot to protect too!

We went from "knowing" each other for 4 months to "seeing" each other for a couple of weeks to " something " and its been fast, its been amazing, and its been ... um..... wonderful.

He breaks all my rules, and I am happy. Some say if he breaks your rules why keep him? Let me tell you! The rules he breaks are my rules, not Gods!
He has children - I didnt want to meet a man with kids. ( But have always wanted a big family! ) and I am totally captivated by these kiddos!
He has a past marriage - I didnt want to meet a man with this mess ( But wanted someone to understand my situation ). I have no doubt that we cant all be mutual in this situation.
He..... wow, is amazing. I need to stop.

I could go on and on with what I see in him. But for fear of embarrasing myself Ill save that for him and I.
The list of what I dont see is long as well - but not unforgivable or condemable.
my rules he breaks could just be God's answer to my needs.

I hope you can be as excited as I am to welcome Tim and his 3 children into my world.

When your not looking?

... Some say when your not looking that things have a way of finding you.



Untill very recently I wouldn't have been inclinded to beleive that.



You see I have been off in my own little world. Working, Living, trying to make ends meet and taking care of me and my roots of this tree.

Many know that I am admist a Divorce, and while honestly I still struggle daily with that its mainly the fact that I didnt beleive in Divorce.

I am absolute however that things will be better in the end, and that timing was enevitable. Over the past 12 years I endured, and shed out more than anyone should ever have to - and its clear to me I needed to be free.



So ... Here I was doing well. Enjoying my solitude, and although yes, scarey in many times and wondered what the future would have really didnt entertain the real idea of finding someone - or something to fix me. Only God and I could have done that.

So thats what I did.



For the past 4 months I have been in therapy, group sessions and healing clinics to make sure I was staying true to myself, my beleives and the plans God has in store for me. Keeping all boundries in check.



So could this be?
Could this be that when your not looking, you are found? Did this man find me, through God because of this? so many questions and so much to explore.



I guess I can look at it this way. While I totally had a "thing" for this guy, at that point it was more of a flirty look your way thing. And honestly prayed that if my future was to include something that wonderful, that the seed be planted in Gods time not mine... with that I was happy being me, learning more of me. living for me.



Lets skip forward. I have only seen this Man a few times, and seriously I cannot place my finger on whats happening. But I want to see!



Im scared. Im nervous. I dont deserve this - Do I? Can he be real? can this be God's time and plan?

New blog for this new chapter

As I struggle to wrap up the ends in this Divorce ( and yes, I will release most blogs about it in time ) I am so excited to finally introduce my new blog.
This is going to continue to be my safe place, my therapy and my page to share my trials and triumphs.
I moved to this blog because like much of the past, its time to move on, and let the past be the past which also means some of the people in it.
I figure those who care, cared then... will care tomorrow and its only those I want to share every peice with!

I will update with this:

As of today we are coming to an agreement in the divorce settlement. Things have been rocky but I have held tight to my self convictions and beleifs and while I know I could have had more I am happy to say that its almost done, and its not at all about what I did or didnt get. Mike is moving on ( planning to marry his girlfriend ) and Madaya and I are struggling to find our safe ground. I am remaining stable, since he hasn't and trying to provide the best I can for Roo bug. Slowly shes coming around and I am starting to notice big things in her. One step at a time....

I will release the other blogs as I feel safe in doing so.

Finch Strings Concert

Tonight was Morgans Strings concert.

It was very cool.

Madaya, Mom and I went and watched Morgan and 1100 of his closest ;) friends play in the Spokane Arena.



Morgan plays the Viola and is in the 5th Grade Strings program at Finch - he got to join all the other spokane schools in putting this thing together. Truely Amazing. I am such a proud aunt!
Wish I could have gotten better photos - but only had the point and shoot!

This is how I "row"

Many of you know the passion I have for the lake, I have been spending some much needed time there. It's often one of the only places I feel like God and I agree on life. The beauty of nature, the sounds of the season, and the peacefulness is enough to make me forget anything I am currently going through, dream about where I want to be and leaves me longing for the next time I come back.
Recently this has found a new chapter - I decided to take a Kayaking class to better educate myself on the true forms, and safety of the sport. I know I know how hard can it be right--- ha - GO TRY IT!
I love the challenge its posed, the people Ive met, and the fun that I have had. Its the most private thing Ive done for me in a very long time, and while I enjoy the idea that I could get lost in the waters that surround me the reality is is that it too comes to an end, but is something I can easily do whenever.
I am in the process of getting a Kayak that Roo and I may both enjoy. Right now I will settle for renting, but either way its a great way to "row".

I snapped these pics while out today --- Guess who plans to add photography back into her life :) ( these however were with a point and shoot )

Lilac Parade: absolutely fine

Today Selina and I took the kids downtown to the Lilac Parade. It was a great afternoon.
We even got to see Steven and Becky and their kids!
As far as emotionally it wasnt near as hard as I thought it would be. After all I think its just sinking in that these are all things Ive always done with roo alone anyways so the fact that I didnt/dont have a partner to do these things with isnt really a factor into things at all its more the loss of the idea that I would love to have that with someone!
Roo and I got down there and found our seating area ( same corner we always try to sit on ) and then grabbed dinner. We did Panda. Also got a coffee and just sat in the chair as roo played in the street with the other children down there. There were bubbles, balls and frizbees and they all just enjoyed themselves.
Once the parade started Daya was loving the " princesses " and the lights on the floats. She made it about 1/4 way through and then totally passed out in her stroller. It amazes me she can sleep through all that :)

So excited!

Mothers Day - Rocks

For mothers day I helped Daya, Vicky and Nathan make stepping stones for the momma's! We had a blast playing in the cement and decorating them.

Dayas school also invited me to lunch with Daya on Friday - Daya made a card for me with her picture and a plant on it and we had taco's for lunch ( her favorite ). I could have spent the whole day in the classroom, but had to get back to work :(

It was a great mothers day!

see mine?

Mommy took lunch break with roo!

Blooming... me.

This year I totally stuck to my goal and did Bloomsday! For me!

As it would happen I had surgery about 4 days prior to, and a tail bone injury a week prior to it, so I was in no condition to run.
My friend, Olga, "walked" with me - and we had a blast... Heres the deal :
With 15 stitches in a not so conveiniant or comfortable place, and having very little time to train I belted out a quick 8 miles with a time of ..................... 1 hour 52minutes! Amazing for a "walk".
I think it helped that we started with the breakfast of champions : Thomas Hammer!

.... Next year I hope to be back to running, and do it in 45 min or so!

Oh roo bug

Things have been so tough with roo lately. She is seeing her counselor ( THANK GOD ) and it does help but I know the root of the problem is all the commotion from her dads side of things. There is still no stable home, no set place and although there is a every other weekend schedule its not to the point that its well established yet.
Mike calls off often, or cant take her cause of work alot still, and shes feeling that.

In good news shes more and more open when she comes home from there. She is talking more and more of Selina and Daddy and I am working very hard on the " its ok " issue with her. Trying to instill in her that she is first in his life ( i just pray so! ) and that Daddy and Selina live together and she may be a big part of her life. While I dont always like the idea, I do like that she seems to take good care of her while there! I have yet to meet her.

Roo loves going to school and thats proving to be a good outlet for her - shes also starting to show more interest in her home schooling things again, and her toys that she didnt like for awhile, all things I am told are good signs that shes feeling ok here and protected - thank god cause I am working my butt off to prove her stability and love.

HAPPY Re-BIRTHDAY to me!!!

I turned 1 today!
Today marks 1 year since I had my new birthday!
I cannot beleive how fast this journey has gone, and wow am I amazed at the difference.
I don't have time to post all details at this moment but the pics say enough!?
I am so beyond proud of myself.
Thank you to all of you who have loved me through this and continue to love me and support me each and every new day!

Gulp. I cannot beleive this was me!

225lbs

4:30am Sacred Heart Hospital Check in. PreOp Photo

And this week ( although right now I am a lil too thin! )

125lbs!
While at Manito park with Madaya out and about!

Just when I can see the sun

I had a good week. Ive been working extra hours, I went to my Divorce Care class at church, made it to church for service, cleaned the house, took great care of myself ( even gained 2lbs! ) and met some new momma's going through this hell too....

Then today I get up only to hear from Roo that " She misses her OLD daddy. She wants a daddy who loves us and is here all the time. ". While looking at me through her tear filled eyes shes looking for an answer and what can I tell her?!

Same thing... I miss YOUR daddy too! I wish things could have been different and that he was here too. But Daddy is not, will not and can not be here Daya. Its ok to be upset. To which she replies....
" I love you momma! "

And the day goes on.

But seriously.... why?! Why does this ache so badly esp when it effects her?!
Shes so lost, so confused and I cannot always comfort her cause I feel the same way.
I refuse to let her think some things, I don't want her to be like him when she grows up. I don't want her to think running from yourself of others is ok, and that this is how you own your responsibility!
I want better for her and have to stay focused on the fact that the only way I can do so, is to show so!

But that doesn't mean it doesnt kill me! Oy!

The Direction I am headed

While its been a whirl wind of ( gulp ) almost a month things really are starting to settle back down.
I don't like it one bit and certainly am not happy that this is the choice the man I loved has made but really I cannot change it.
Last time I fought with all I am to save him, save me, save us. This time I don't have it in me. I have to let him go - He wants this. I need this. I want to be done.
I love him enough to let him do this but love myself more that I realize this is not what God would want for me! No one should be alowed to suffer.

I have a plan!

Today I will be filing the seperation petitions. Mike has signed them all - and hopefully this will allow us both the protection we need while we each go along, finding our way. Until its turned to a divorce its how it will be.

My plan is this :

I will go back to school starting April 5th. I have busted my butt trying to get in, get settled and get funding all of which seems to be ok.
While, I cannot take the classes I need until summer ( the college I need is full ) I will jump in with some basics for Spring at the sister campus, and then transfer for Summer. I will keep my PT job as a hearing screener for now, and trust that the other things will fall into place.
If I can fight my way for a couple of years and fully get myself together then it will all pay off in the long run.
I cannot rely on him or anyone else and have to find my way .... the one I can rely on is God!
Im learning to be ok alone, and not feel lonely. Im learning slowly that is. And thats ok.
Im seeking direction, and trying to follow whats right so I don't sit here and " wait " for something that may never be.


I got this great scripture this morning and thought it suited well!

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul" (Psalm 143:8).


One foot infront of the other....

Not that kind of mom?

So tomorrow Madaya has her first Valentine's Day party at school!

Whoa!
Talk about funny.
You know she loves ben cooper .... lol.
So this year I had many intentions. I would make the cutest valentines, the cutest little cupcakes and show everyone just how special Daya's mom is....


Well, heres my admission :

I AM NOT THAT KIND OF MOM!

I really really love to craft, and lord knows I can create beyond all, but this is not about me, this is Daya. So with that I refuse to be one of those mom's who show up only to show off MY work as to show who is who. Its not who I want to be, and honestly don't want to be thought of as " the mom who does it all " . Daya did a great job. She picked out tinker bell cards, hand scribbled on them :) and we made chocolate cupcakes to which we frosted with store bought ( I KNOW CAN YOU BELEIVE US?! ) frosting, and then she put candy hearts on top!

You know what.... I kind of like the fact that I am " Not that kind of mom! ".

I cannot wait to see her party. I am hoping to make it if I don't have a full day at work....

1 year and still ..... just.... still

In Loving Memory of Kaydough

Laid to rest Feb 11, 2009.

I'm Still Here
Please don't mourn for me, I'm still here, though you don't see. I'm right by your side each night and day, and within your heart I long to stay. My body is gone, but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear. My spirit is free, but I'll never depart, as long as you keep me alive in your heart. I'll never wander out of your sight, I'm the brightest star on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach, I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach. I'm the colorful leaves, when fall comes around, and the pure white snow that blankets the ground. I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond, the clear cool water in a quiet pond. I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring, the first warm raindrop that April will bring. I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine, and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine. When you start thinking there's no one to love you, you can talk to me through the Lord above you. I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees, and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze. I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep. I'm the smile you see on a baby's face. Just look for me, I'm everyplace!

Today marks 1 year since we lost our " bubba ".
Ive been " Moody" all day and I guess this is alot to do with it.
Man do we miss that dog! More than a dog, Kaydough was my boy.
It's really crazy to think that even to this day I cannot call him in from outside, to offer him his favorite treat and have a little chat.
Its still so fresh, and so often that Madaya asks of him, and why he is with Jesus. It still hurts.

Our world has come full circle, we have another addition to our fur children, and while I really thought it would ease the pain I still so much feel, in some ways its harder.

Like now, Hanna looks SO FAT, and fluffy just like bubba did when he was a baby. Its like yesterday! Sometimes it makes me really think Kaydough played a big part in this!

Kaydough is only missed more and more.... but we all hope the pain eases soon!