While its been a whirl wind of ( gulp ) almost a month things really are starting to settle back down.
I don't like it one bit and certainly am not happy that this is the choice the man I loved has made but really I cannot change it.
Last time I fought with all I am to save him, save me, save us. This time I don't have it in me. I have to let him go - He wants this. I need this. I want to be done.
I love him enough to let him do this but love myself more that I realize this is not what God would want for me! No one should be alowed to suffer.
I have a plan!
Today I will be filing the seperation petitions. Mike has signed them all - and hopefully this will allow us both the protection we need while we each go along, finding our way. Until its turned to a divorce its how it will be.
My plan is this :
I will go back to school starting April 5th. I have busted my butt trying to get in, get settled and get funding all of which seems to be ok.
While, I cannot take the classes I need until summer ( the college I need is full ) I will jump in with some basics for Spring at the sister campus, and then transfer for Summer. I will keep my PT job as a hearing screener for now, and trust that the other things will fall into place.
If I can fight my way for a couple of years and fully get myself together then it will all pay off in the long run.
I cannot rely on him or anyone else and have to find my way .... the one I can rely on is God!
Im learning to be ok alone, and not feel lonely. Im learning slowly that is. And thats ok.
Im seeking direction, and trying to follow whats right so I don't sit here and " wait " for something that may never be.
I got this great scripture this morning and thought it suited well!
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul" (Psalm 143:8).
One foot infront of the other....