Just had to get it out. Its later, I am tired and I really want to just go to bed. But before I can let it go I have to give it up. Here you have it.
Today was a wonderful day, but deffinetely a personal challenge. Let me start with Lastnight.
I had girls night at Stampin' Bunco ( which I always enjoy and love ) and then we decided instead of bowling we would go out for a bit. Tim, like many of the other boyfriends, husbands etc joined us afterwards to go out. His parents had his kiddos and my mom had mine. I didnt think much of it, simply because this is my once a month outing ya know... So.... Tim and I went back here ( most of you know we are not " sleeping " together ) went to bed, and got up so I could get ready for work and church Sunday morning. He took me to work and went to his house. When he picked me up from work to go to church I asked him what the plan was and he told me we needed to go get the kids from his parents house. I was a bit perplexed just because I thought they were going to meet us at church. To which he replied he was supposed to go back lastnight but we were out way later than planned. I talked to him about this, and to which he had all his answers and tried to just let it be. We went and got the kids, went to church ( where daya and my mom met us ) had a wonderful service, and proceeded with the plans he had for fathers day at his parents house after church. I felt horrible though cause he totally should have said something! I wouldnt have had him come back here with me!
At his parents house, I was in heaven. His family is so welcoming and supportive and it was so comfortable being there. Sue accepts my help, and my need to straighten up, and they all actively engage in my conversations, questions etc. all 4 kids played, interacted with us all and it was great!
When we left Tim and I had told the kids we would take them all to the park ( its a favorite thing for all of us ). Well I took "B" his middle child and " L" in my car and he took "W" in his. From the minute we pulled away B started talking about how much he likes me, and hanging out with Daya and I but then proceeded with " My Dad has dated alot " ..... To which I didnt ask him to stop, but didnt encourage anything either. With 1 ear opened I listened as this child tells me all about his dads past ( BEFORE HIS MOM EVEN ) .... of which I already knew. What his me is that HE knew this. That means hes been exposed if at the least by conversation to certain things, and thats disheartning to hear from a child. He even listed things about his mom and his dad and how his dad wasnt treated right - which makes me think that his mom has said or done worse too! By the time we got to the park I couldnt wait to talk to Tim. Not because it was " bugging" me but because Tim and I have been nothing but honest about this situation, how fast its been and whats happened before. This is all new to all of us, and we know things are to come up naturally, but this is one of those things. Tim takes my hand, welcomes me to the park, and we walk..... and talk.... I told him everything I just blogged about with the details. To which he gets upset, but mainly because 1.) he felt B was trying to sabotage us 2.) he hurts that B had heard, or things of certain things 3.) its scarey.... he doesnt want to scare me or hurt me. (He had already told me all B did by the way ). I hugged him assured him that all 4 of these children may have questions, and to think about how sometimes him and I dont understand things fully yet - how can they . He hugged me back and we just took a deep breath. In my mind I was kind of thinking too, that maybe B was just trying to relay his contentness with this and that maybe he is really ok with this because he hasnt seen it before?! ( Feel free to give relative input ) We walked, talked and played with the kiddos some more. By this time Im just taking it all in. I love to watch him play with his kids, and this time Daya wanted him to play with her too she let him pick her up for the monkey bars, and was all about " chasing " him! I just sat there watching, praying, and thinking.... after a few I left tim and 3 of them to go watch B play on the other play toy, when B got excited he looked over and me and said " Hey SHANNON TAKE MY SHOES SO I DONT LOOSE THEM" I said... what did you just call me? He said " shannon" I said how about April. He said "yeah I meant that... They were together a long time " I didnt think it would hit me, but it did. I totally had to walk away for a minute and I just busted out in tears.
Keep in mind the convo on the way to the park. Shannon is the girl he rebounded with after his Divorce ( and not for a long time ) , and while I do know what his reasons were and that shes not in the picture it just sucked! Something hit me.
I turned away, started to bawl, and just wanted to go home. It had been a day! Tim knew something was up,walked over, asked what happened to which I didnt want to reply, but did and he was livid. I reminded him the confusion, and how maybe its really time we talk with the children about this, on their level and age needs, and see if we can help things. He agreed but for the moment, we were playing - so let it go. He did say to B that he hurt my feelings and couldnt talk like that. To which B of course ( hes a kiddo ) took it hard. He kind of just sat there at the toy quietly. I took the girls over to the swings and encouraged Tim to breath and go talk to his boy. To which he did. After that things were ok, but still, I was just done and ready to go home.
Tim kissed me goodbye told me he loved us, and said goodbye to roo and that he would see us tomorrow... I drove off, daya passed out, and I just prayed to god that this man is true, and calls.
Tim did call later, and filled me in on his " talk " with the kiddos, and agreed that when were both ready we need to talk to them, but that he pretty much didnt want to scare me with the fact he asked the boys a few things and encouraged them to come to him if they are uncomfy or worried of something. The boys told him they really like me.
Tim and I go away this next weekend, to which I think will be a good chance for us to really catch up with ourselves and see what and when to do about these kids of ours combined. I know they are curious - they havent met all his " girlfriends " and they certainly havent seen their dad this happy in a while. I would imagine the same for roo. Shes feeling things, cause I can feel it and she loves having Tim around. she asks daily if hes coming to be with us tonight... and more and more loves playing, talking and cuddling with him and I. We can figure out our next move with the kids, and go from there.
Something I am really tripped up on is the fact that naturally or so it seems Tim and I just can read one another and know how to handle it. When I was crying he just knew how to mellow me - assure me and let me get through it. He didnt push it, didnt judge it and like he took the words out of my mouth its scarey for us all. He didnt expect this any more than I did. And 4 months ago who would have thought?! And while I dont think in the least bit that everything will be or should be easy, and that there wouldnt be hurts, I guess im more hurt it was over something so small. But then again just made me think WHOA we sooo need to be showing these 4 kiddos a healthy relationship, and handling some things with kids gloves. So I beleive a boundry talk is in the near future!
it hurt, I talked to the person involved, we handled it.... Im going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.
Poor kiddo had to learn today that her Dad was going to take a job that again will keep him away a month at a time, and allow him to see her 3-4 days a month! Now I know in her mind that it doesnt set in, but I know in my heart that thats no way for him to have a true relationship to or with her.
He told her thismorning before he left town and took her to breakfast. I am sure it was hard to tell her, and I am sure it will sink in, so far though she has only said " My daddy works ways away".
Some if not all of you know that I have decided to go back to school Full Time in pursuit of my Occupational Therapy degree. What most of you don't know is that I've been having a hard time deciding schedule and finances to make this happen and the road its taking to get there. I started looking in Winter after the separation, and at that time planned on just an 18 month thing in Medical Office but then it hit me that I needed, could and wanted to do so much more than I do now. I want to be able to provide well for Madaya and I make sure that no matter what comes I could make it in this world - and better yet be the best I can be ( didn't mean that to be a military slogan ). So I decided that I would look into further options. I did all my testing and placed high enough in everything that pre-req'swouldn't be an issue - but when it came down to finances just couldn't pull off school for Winter/Spring. So for the past 3 months Ive been busting my but looking for funding, grands, financial aid etc ..... Finally was awarded a partial Pell Grant for Summer Quarter and looks like I will be doing Spokane Community College to get 15 credits taken care of before ....
Before what you ask...
Before I GO TO EASTERN WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY in the fall. I hope to enroll in there OT program - but for starters will take the full course load I can. There's only 30 spots a year they can fill, and although my test scores are high enough academically I am not there yet. I can apply for next years program in February! If all goes well it will be 4 years ill graduate with my Masters, and then plan to jump to my Doctorate but we will see.
for now I have many days when I wonder if I can do this. Its so confusing trying to plan these schedules, work, find financial aid, and oh yeah... Have a life!
I have a great team behind me though and I know in my heart I am ready!
awk·ward –adjective 1. lacking skill or dexterity; clumsy. 2. lacking grace or ease in movement: an awkward gesture; an awkward dancer. 3. lacking social graces or manners: a simple, awkward frontiersman. 4. not well planned or designed for easy or effective use: an awkward instrument; an awkward method. 5. requiring caution; somewhat hazardous; dangerous: an awkward turn in the road. 6. hard to deal with; difficult; requiring skill, tact, or the like: an awkward situation; an awkward customer. 7. embarrassing or inconvenient; caused by lack of social grace: an awkward moment 8. Obsolete. untoward; perverse.
.... I am thinking #7 sums this one up.
Last night Tim and I went to meet Mike. I don't know that I wanted this and lord knows there was much debate - but Tim seemed sure. Even my best friend said that I should just get it over with - you see, ( I will leave out much just cause its not even worth my time ) things had been tough with Mike for the past 3 days. Him texting non stop. He had found out about Tim, and then it never stopped. I did tell him I would like him to meet him, but not quiet yet. I mean seriously would have liked to know that Tim would be here long term first ya know - and I had not even had the choice or whatever to meet Mike's " Girlfriend". I asked Mike not to bring his GF, because 1.) it was tacky to be meeting this way and 2.) its not freaking lets see who got what! ..... but true to him tacky self he showed up with her all over him. Tim and I met them at Thomas Hammer in Postfalls, and got there just 30min before closing - GOOD TIMING. We ordered coffee, sat down and ....
insert #7 here.
Mike proceeded to "interview" Tim, to which Tim confidently answered most questions, and engaged in a somewhat mellow conversation. I, on the other hand did not have much to say. In fact I was too busy taking inventory as to why Mike cant pay his Child support or Alimony and how miserable he looked. This stirred my internal fire big time so I was more than happy to keep it shut! In 30 minutes it was all over.
Tim and I left, and a little bit of a weight had been lifted - at least we both know. Don't really care what they think of Tim, and lord knows my opinion of the whole matter is that as long has he takes care of Daya, and she can too - then honestly who cares. I will say though that listening to Tim answer, and talk with him and all he had to say --- Totally made me realize just why God has planned things at such a time. I tell Tim often, that I am amazed in the clarity, sincerity and truth that he speaks with. Especially when he talks of him and I or us ( as in Madaya ).
I posted a few days back that I had prayed that God plant the seed in me, and my future partners heart if that was in his plans...
Well - theres something begining to sprout, and I want to pluck it out of the ground.
Let me explain.
I have been spending alot of time with this man and I totally have something going on in my heart and head but at the same time want to demolish it. I want in some ways for this not to be true, not to be what I feel, not to be for long I want to not trust him, listen to him and embrace him. But its so hard to do all that. It seems to be coming so natural. I find myself instead of plucking this tender thing out of the ground feeding it, watering it, giving it sun and a little bit of shade. Talking to it, raising it and praying more and more that it will bloom.
Today I was thinking about this new Man in my life, and while I still am very conflicted on some levels with things theres one thing that is more and more clear...
I really can be ME, and still welcome such a wonderful man and his life to mine in hopes of sharing something wonderful.
At anyrate I am a reader, I like to "know it all" and in that quest most know I analize everything. So I went in search of my sign and its roots ( which I already knew) but in the search found something interesting: His sign.
I have been wondering for few weeks what it is about this man that has me so captivated. Right down to his kiss. Seriously I have never felt this connection physically with anyone - so why was it this man could come along, swoop me into his arms, kiss me with his lips and look at me with his eyes and I can be ok with it? Crave it? Want it?! I have been wondering why in the begining when he talked to me ( just as a friend, fellow church member etc ) I would want to linger.... listening longer. I have been wondering why I am so comfortable, even though my present world has been spinning.
Todays reading may explain a few things.
Now you know me - Faith before all else. So Horoscopes and the like really dont play much into things, but I do beleive the signs are something! I am so true to a " Sagittarius ".
Today Tim took me to his parents house. They had a Graduation celebration for him ( read my other posts). As I was sitting there listening, taking it all in today - I just felt at peace. At home. Ok.
Tim can hold me confidently in one arm, while introducing me to whoever it may be - and be so sure. I look at him all the time and think that someone should pinch me that this man cannot be this wonderful? And im not saying hes flawless im saying it feels good to feel that connection. I just wish I knew why....
We did not have Madaya with us, however we did have his 3. They are so fun to watch and play with. They love Madaya and talk of and ask of her often. I wish she could have been there to meet his parents, and I know that will come in time, but it was nice to hear out of his mouth ( I cannot remember who he was talking to) but he said " between the two of us we have 4, ages 11, 9 , 6 and 3... " It was a wonderful day and I take everything he says, others say and the way he is all in and I just wish I knew right now how he can be soooo confident.
Is it just me being scared? Is it just me gaurding my heart?
I wish I knew him while he worked so hard to get through school. I look at him and am so proud for him and all hes acommplished and can only imagine the late nights, the struggles, the sweat the pain and the worry and joys hes endured to get there. Although I am extremely happy to be holding his hand and supporting him right now...and through his graduation, I just wish I knew him then too!
I guess this comes to no surprise, after all some of you have been noticing a certain glow on me...
I know this is early, and still very new, but its with a cautious heart I announce my huge blessing! I have met a man named, Tim. He comes at a horrible time in my life, but yet everything seems ok. Hes been a reason to smile, for no reason. A reason to cry because I can, and a great reason to celebrate life! He has 3 beautiful children, is the perfect balance to my needs, and theres a natural connection there that I or he cannot seem to wrap ourselves around. He says hes sure in his heart that Daya and I have a place there - and I told him " prove it ". Harsh I know --- but you all know where Ive been and where Im from.
You all know I said over and over " Any man who chooses to love me has his work cut out for him. Im damaged, Im weak, Im leary.... " My heart isnt easily won over. I have alot to protect too!
We went from "knowing" each other for 4 months to "seeing" each other for a couple of weeks to " something " and its been fast, its been amazing, and its been ... um..... wonderful.
He breaks all my rules, and I am happy. Some say if he breaks your rules why keep him? Let me tell you! The rules he breaks are my rules, not Gods! He has children - I didnt want to meet a man with kids. ( But have always wanted a big family! ) and I am totally captivated by these kiddos! He has a past marriage - I didnt want to meet a man with this mess ( But wanted someone to understand my situation ). I have no doubt that we cant all be mutual in this situation. He..... wow, is amazing. I need to stop.
I could go on and on with what I see in him. But for fear of embarrasing myself Ill save that for him and I. The list of what I dont see is long as well - but not unforgivable or condemable. my rules he breaks could just be God's answer to my needs.
I hope you can be as excited as I am to welcome Tim and his 3 children into my world.
... Some say when your not looking that things have a way of finding you.
Untill very recently I wouldn't have been inclinded to beleive that.
You see I have been off in my own little world. Working, Living, trying to make ends meet and taking care of me and my roots of this tree.
Many know that I am admist a Divorce, and while honestly I still struggle daily with that its mainly the fact that I didnt beleive in Divorce.
I am absolute however that things will be better in the end, and that timing was enevitable. Over the past 12 years I endured, and shed out more than anyone should ever have to - and its clear to me I needed to be free.
So ... Here I was doing well. Enjoying my solitude, and although yes, scarey in many times and wondered what the future would have really didnt entertain the real idea of finding someone - or something to fix me. Only God and I could have done that.
So thats what I did.
For the past 4 months I have been in therapy, group sessions and healing clinics to make sure I was staying true to myself, my beleives and the plans God has in store for me. Keeping all boundries in check.
So could this be? Could this be that when your not looking, you are found? Did this man find me, through God because of this? so many questions and so much to explore.
I guess I can look at it this way. While I totally had a "thing" for this guy, at that point it was more of a flirty look your way thing. And honestly prayed that if my future was to include something that wonderful, that the seed be planted in Gods time not mine... with that I was happy being me, learning more of me. living for me.
Lets skip forward. I have only seen this Man a few times, and seriously I cannot place my finger on whats happening. But I want to see!
Im scared. Im nervous. I dont deserve this - Do I? Can he be real? can this be God's time and plan?