Sunday, June 20, 2010

First hurt(s)

Nice title for a blog post huh?

Just had to get it out.
Its later, I am tired and I really want to just go to bed.
But before I can let it go I have to give it up.
Here you have it.

Today was a wonderful day, but deffinetely a personal challenge.
Let me start with Lastnight.

I had girls night at Stampin' Bunco ( which I always enjoy and love ) and then we decided instead of bowling we would go out for a bit.
Tim, like many of the other boyfriends, husbands etc joined us afterwards to go out. His parents had his kiddos and my mom had mine. I didnt think much of it, simply because this is my once a month outing ya know...
Tim and I went back here ( most of you know we are not " sleeping " together ) went to bed, and got up so I could get ready for work and church Sunday morning.
He took me to work and went to his house.
When he picked me up from work to go to church I asked him what the plan was and he told me we needed to go get the kids from his parents house.
I was a bit perplexed just because I thought they were going to meet us at church.
To which he replied he was supposed to go back lastnight but we were out way later than planned.
I talked to him about this, and to which he had all his answers and tried to just let it be. We went and got the kids, went to church ( where daya and my mom met us ) had a wonderful service, and proceeded with the plans he had for fathers day at his parents house after church. I felt horrible though cause he totally should have said something! I wouldnt have had him come back here with me!

At his parents house, I was in heaven. His family is so welcoming and supportive and it was so comfortable being there. Sue accepts my help, and my need to straighten up, and they all actively engage in my conversations, questions etc.
all 4 kids played, interacted with us all and it was great!

When we left Tim and I had told the kids we would take them all to the park ( its a favorite thing for all of us ). Well I took "B" his middle child and " L" in my car and he took "W" in his. From the minute we pulled away B started talking about how much he likes me, and hanging out with Daya and I but then proceeded with " My Dad has dated alot " ..... To which I didnt ask him to stop, but didnt encourage anything either. With 1 ear opened I listened as this child tells me all about his dads past ( BEFORE HIS MOM EVEN ) .... of which I already knew. What his me is that HE knew this. That means hes been exposed if at the least by conversation to certain things, and thats disheartning to hear from a child. He even listed things about his mom and his dad and how his dad wasnt treated right - which makes me think that his mom has said or done worse too!
By the time we got to the park I couldnt wait to talk to Tim. Not because it was " bugging" me but because Tim and I have been nothing but honest about this situation, how fast its been and whats happened before. This is all new to all of us, and we know things are to come up naturally, but this is one of those things.
Tim takes my hand, welcomes me to the park, and we walk..... and talk.... I told him everything I just blogged about with the details. To which he gets upset, but mainly because 1.) he felt B was trying to sabotage us 2.) he hurts that B had heard, or things of certain things 3.) its scarey.... he doesnt want to scare me or hurt me. (He had already told me all B did by the way ). I hugged him assured him that all 4 of these children may have questions, and to think about how sometimes him and I dont understand things fully yet - how can they . He hugged me back and we just took a deep breath. In my mind I was kind of thinking too, that maybe B was just trying to relay his contentness with this and that maybe he is really ok with this because he hasnt seen it before?! ( Feel free to give relative input )
We walked, talked and played with the kiddos some more.
By this time Im just taking it all in. I love to watch him play with his kids, and this time Daya wanted him to play with her too she let him pick her up for the monkey bars, and was all about " chasing " him!
I just sat there watching, praying, and thinking....
after a few I left tim and 3 of them to go watch B play on the other play toy, when B got excited he looked over and me and said " Hey SHANNON TAKE MY SHOES SO I DONT LOOSE THEM" I said... what did you just call me? He said " shannon" I said how about April. He said "yeah I meant that... They were together a long time "
I didnt think it would hit me, but it did. I totally had to walk away for a minute and I just busted out in tears.

Keep in mind the convo on the way to the park. Shannon is the girl he rebounded with after his Divorce ( and not for a long time ) , and while I do know what his reasons were and that shes not in the picture it just sucked! Something hit me.

I turned away, started to bawl, and just wanted to go home. It had been a day!
Tim knew something was up,walked over, asked what happened to which I didnt want to reply, but did and he was livid. I reminded him the confusion, and how maybe its really time we talk with the children about this, on their level and age needs, and see if we can help things.
He agreed but for the moment, we were playing - so let it go. He did say to B that he hurt my feelings and couldnt talk like that. To which B of course ( hes a kiddo ) took it hard. He kind of just sat there at the toy quietly.
I took the girls over to the swings and encouraged Tim to breath and go talk to his boy.
To which he did.
After that things were ok, but still, I was just done and ready to go home.

Tim kissed me goodbye told me he loved us, and said goodbye to roo and that he would see us tomorrow...
I drove off, daya passed out, and I just prayed to god that this man is true, and calls.

Tim did call later, and filled me in on his " talk " with the kiddos, and agreed that when were both ready we need to talk to them, but that he pretty much didnt want to scare me with the fact he asked the boys a few things and encouraged them to come to him if they are uncomfy or worried of something.
The boys told him they really like me.

Tim and I go away this next weekend, to which I think will be a good chance for us to really catch up with ourselves and see what and when to do about these kids of ours combined.
I know they are curious - they havent met all his " girlfriends " and they certainly havent seen their dad this happy in a while. I would imagine the same for roo. Shes feeling things, cause I can feel it and she loves having Tim around. she asks daily if hes coming to be with us tonight... and more and more loves playing, talking and cuddling with him and I. We can figure out our next move with the kids, and go from there.

Something I am really tripped up on is the fact that naturally or so it seems Tim and I just can read one another and know how to handle it. When I was crying he just knew how to mellow me - assure me and let me get through it. He didnt push it, didnt judge it and like he took the words out of my mouth its scarey for us all. He didnt expect this any more than I did. And 4 months ago who would have thought?!
And while I dont think in the least bit that everything will be or should be easy, and that there wouldnt be hurts, I guess im more hurt it was over something so small. But then again just made me think WHOA we sooo need to be showing these 4 kiddos a healthy relationship, and handling some things with kids gloves. So I beleive a boundry talk is in the near future!

it hurt, I talked to the person involved, we handled it.... Im going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

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