Sunday, August 29, 2010

I just dont know...

Where the time goes? Maybe by the time I am done with this update it will help us all tell where some of it has been.

So lets see - Its been a little over a month ( I KNOW! ) since I have had time to sit down and do anything let alone, blog. I made the time this morning because 1.) I need it and 2.) its important that I do keep up on my journal which of course is my blog. I have been blogging privately and some still remain unpublished but theres alot I can put out here too.

Things of late, have been nutty. That's probably a huge understatement.
I do no like to talk about the Divorce as one of the main things in my life, but unfortunately it very much is. Especially since it has gotten nasty. Nothing Mike and I had originally agreed on is the same. He has yet to find a job, a place to live stably and has not been contributing for Roo's needs in over 2 months. Its been sick! I waiting in the beginning of August to meet with his attorney he was "very confident" he could get it wrapped up in a few weeks, only to find out that Mike was for sure moving to Louisiana, and that his newest proposal was to fly Roo there once a month. I almost agreed to this, thinking this is how it has to been - then it quickly hit me how unhealthy of a situation it would be for Roo. Talk about changes, interruptions and the like. I can't imagine traveling like that as an adult, let alone a preschooler.
So moving forward I decided since Mike was all talk about that and taking her there, that it was time to visit the Ex-Parte court in hopes of getting temporary orders of child support, custody and the like. While there the judge put those orders in, but also a restraint against mike that he can only see Roo while in the state, and metro area.... set a court date for 2 weeks later.... Skip ahead. Mike shows up to court to try to tell the judge his plans, and while some things are taken into consideration, over all were both unready for a hearing ( Cant set support if theres no income, Cant set a parenting plan with only 1 parent stable ) so what it came down to was the commissioner saying and signing the orders that it needed to be re-heard but for now mike could have madaya for up to 7 days while in town. This was hard to hear and do. 7 days goes against anything in WA state for a child that young, but we did it. I wont even go in to the pain it caused all the way around. There was one point after court that day, while in the hall way that Mikes dad came to me, yelled at my face everything he can imagine, and then got into a fight with Tim ( not physical ) security was called, and Mikes dad proceeded to make alligations that Tim is a molestor, and sicko through and through... it was very stressful, and the actions of that man make me ill. To think that he can be so angry as to act this way, when " hes hurting for his son " yet his son is whats caused this is crazy. When and will they ever own their actions?!
Basically here, the only good thing is she got to see her dad.


As for School I have been finishing up the Summer Quarter, which ended on a horrible note. I still have no looked to see what I managed to pull out of English or Acct. but I am sure its not good. Things all fell into life at one time at the end of the classes here and I just couldn't keep up. all of these factors listed in this update were literally with in 2 weeks time, and right during finals! I was doing school FT. Working PT, and dealing with just too much.

All during this I had been evicted from the house on Harder Pl. that mike and I had moved into after the last separation, remember.... Grrr. I tried to stay there, and had intentions of making it there until February when my lease was up. I just simply couldn't afford the rent and my needs on my PT job, and no child support or alimony! So... In a crazy dash to get out it all came down to being out by the 20th of August, which resulted in the 17 and 18th completely emptying out the house into storage. Madaya and I were invited to move into Tim's house with him and the kids, and this would allow us to help them out too. To this date all my stuff is in storage, and were working on getting his house fully ready to hold all 6 of us ( see my blogs on that issue ).

Ok so as if that wasnt enough - lets add in here, that I have now been ill with strep and or pneumonia 3 times in 2.5 months. In case your counting that's 3 rounds of antibiotics in 2.5 months too. You know how well I handle that! I havent been well at all.

Madaya is amazing. She has grown so much this summer, and more in the past 2 months then I have ever seen growth at all. I had her at the Nutritionist the other day, and shes gained inches, but no weight. Still a great sign shes ok, and thriving in that level. Roo's counselor thinks maybe she was depressed and feeling some of the stress and unhappiness of the past. Talk about breaking my heart to think we had the power to do that to her. She is also showing much interest in her preschool work again, and is taking a liking to the fact that she is now a part of a blended family. She really is the reason to get up most days....

As to Tim and I things are amazing. I wake up every morning just wondering if this is too good to be true. If its a temptation I should run from or what?! To this day I know the timing wasn't mine, and struggle with the fact that it was someones, and that things are here for a reason. Moving in was a really tough decision. I had thought Madaya and I would go to a low income apartment or find something else, but it was Tim who said that ultimately his home is where we belonged ( Thinking forward ) and that there is no since on running two homes if what he and I feel is correct. On top of that Madaya got to the point, where she wanted to spend much of our days in at his house anyways, and literally cried when we went to ours. So, I moved in. I reside in the big room upstairs, and Madaya and Lauren have the smaller room. The boys are downstairs, and Tim is in our new room down stairs as well. This arrangement will work until were married. In our relationship things are even more amazing. The level of love and respect I find myself emerged in and reciprocating is truly amazing to me. Most days fly by and I can't think of life before him, or after him with out him! I find myself missing his kids in the week ( I KNOW I KNOW ) and our life together is finding its rhythm. You probably caught the " after were married " in that last few sentences. Yes, there's plans to marry and this too I struggle with. I don't and haven't really thought about getting re-married for awhile down the road. I mean I am still legally married now, and I have alot of issues to sort out, but at the same time Tim is no responsible for why I feel that way, nor should be he punished because of a decision I made. I need to be in prayer about this, because as he has stated he was absolute when he met me that this was how and what was going to be. He intends to propose to and marry me SOONer than later. But I don't nor do I want to know when that day is.
I find myself fighting thoughts of it daily. I love him, and its easy to imagine our life. It would be a tough start financially, but a easy go of it mentally. It would be abundant in love, and overflowing for joy, but I worry and wonder if its all right to feel like this?! I wanted to play the single mom card for a while and get on my feet, as he found his. He says were better off together and that those circumstances are just that. Circumstances. We should fight them together.

Sigh... I dont know what I did to deserve this man, or his love and respect and the chance to share his life and children, but I am sure glad they are all here! I never in 7 lifetimes would have thought I would be in this situation. In love with one man, and married to another. How many times have I passed judgement and here I sit.

Ok, enough mush.
We havent done much of anything we planned this summer cause again, I just don't know where time has gone.
We have been playing on the weekends when we can, and for the most part just trying to learn each other, along with the children and move one day at a time.
Tim is still looking for a teaching placement, and I am working PT, and returning to school in a few weeks for fall.
I also have surgery coming up ( See post ). A trial for divorce in October, and then sounds like maybe a wedding ;) But we wont go there yet....

Ok stay tunned. Ill remember I need this more!

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