HAPPY Re-BIRTHDAY to me!!!

I turned 1 today!
Today marks 1 year since I had my new birthday!
I cannot beleive how fast this journey has gone, and wow am I amazed at the difference.
I don't have time to post all details at this moment but the pics say enough!?
I am so beyond proud of myself.
Thank you to all of you who have loved me through this and continue to love me and support me each and every new day!

Gulp. I cannot beleive this was me!

225lbs

4:30am Sacred Heart Hospital Check in. PreOp Photo

And this week ( although right now I am a lil too thin! )

125lbs!
While at Manito park with Madaya out and about!

Just when I can see the sun

I had a good week. Ive been working extra hours, I went to my Divorce Care class at church, made it to church for service, cleaned the house, took great care of myself ( even gained 2lbs! ) and met some new momma's going through this hell too....

Then today I get up only to hear from Roo that " She misses her OLD daddy. She wants a daddy who loves us and is here all the time. ". While looking at me through her tear filled eyes shes looking for an answer and what can I tell her?!

Same thing... I miss YOUR daddy too! I wish things could have been different and that he was here too. But Daddy is not, will not and can not be here Daya. Its ok to be upset. To which she replies....
" I love you momma! "

And the day goes on.

But seriously.... why?! Why does this ache so badly esp when it effects her?!
Shes so lost, so confused and I cannot always comfort her cause I feel the same way.
I refuse to let her think some things, I don't want her to be like him when she grows up. I don't want her to think running from yourself of others is ok, and that this is how you own your responsibility!
I want better for her and have to stay focused on the fact that the only way I can do so, is to show so!

But that doesn't mean it doesnt kill me! Oy!

The Direction I am headed

While its been a whirl wind of ( gulp ) almost a month things really are starting to settle back down.
I don't like it one bit and certainly am not happy that this is the choice the man I loved has made but really I cannot change it.
Last time I fought with all I am to save him, save me, save us. This time I don't have it in me. I have to let him go - He wants this. I need this. I want to be done.
I love him enough to let him do this but love myself more that I realize this is not what God would want for me! No one should be alowed to suffer.

I have a plan!

Today I will be filing the seperation petitions. Mike has signed them all - and hopefully this will allow us both the protection we need while we each go along, finding our way. Until its turned to a divorce its how it will be.

My plan is this :

I will go back to school starting April 5th. I have busted my butt trying to get in, get settled and get funding all of which seems to be ok.
While, I cannot take the classes I need until summer ( the college I need is full ) I will jump in with some basics for Spring at the sister campus, and then transfer for Summer. I will keep my PT job as a hearing screener for now, and trust that the other things will fall into place.
If I can fight my way for a couple of years and fully get myself together then it will all pay off in the long run.
I cannot rely on him or anyone else and have to find my way .... the one I can rely on is God!
Im learning to be ok alone, and not feel lonely. Im learning slowly that is. And thats ok.
Im seeking direction, and trying to follow whats right so I don't sit here and " wait " for something that may never be.


I got this great scripture this morning and thought it suited well!

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul" (Psalm 143:8).


One foot infront of the other....