Things have been so tough with roo lately. She is seeing her counselor ( THANK GOD ) and it does help but I know the root of the problem is all the commotion from her dads side of things. There is still no stable home, no set place and although there is a every other weekend schedule its not to the point that its well established yet.
Mike calls off often, or cant take her cause of work alot still, and shes feeling that.
In good news shes more and more open when she comes home from there. She is talking more and more of Selina and Daddy and I am working very hard on the " its ok " issue with her. Trying to instill in her that she is first in his life ( i just pray so! ) and that Daddy and Selina live together and she may be a big part of her life. While I dont always like the idea, I do like that she seems to take good care of her while there! I have yet to meet her.
Roo loves going to school and thats proving to be a good outlet for her - shes also starting to show more interest in her home schooling things again, and her toys that she didnt like for awhile, all things I am told are good signs that shes feeling ok here and protected - thank god cause I am working my butt off to prove her stability and love.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
HAPPY Re-BIRTHDAY to me!!!
I turned 1 today!
Today marks 1 year since I had my new birthday!
I cannot beleive how fast this journey has gone, and wow am I amazed at the difference.
I don't have time to post all details at this moment but the pics say enough!?
I am so beyond proud of myself.
Thank you to all of you who have loved me through this and continue to love me and support me each and every new day!
Today marks 1 year since I had my new birthday!
I cannot beleive how fast this journey has gone, and wow am I amazed at the difference.
I don't have time to post all details at this moment but the pics say enough!?
I am so beyond proud of myself.
Thank you to all of you who have loved me through this and continue to love me and support me each and every new day!
Gulp. I cannot beleive this was me!
225lbs
4:30am Sacred Heart Hospital Check in. PreOp Photo
And this week ( although right now I am a lil too thin! ) 125lbs!
While at Manito park with Madaya out and about!
While at Manito park with Madaya out and about!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Just when I can see the sun
I had a good week. Ive been working extra hours, I went to my Divorce Care class at church, made it to church for service, cleaned the house, took great care of myself ( even gained 2lbs! ) and met some new momma's going through this hell too....
Then today I get up only to hear from Roo that " She misses her OLD daddy. She wants a daddy who loves us and is here all the time. ". While looking at me through her tear filled eyes shes looking for an answer and what can I tell her?!
Same thing... I miss YOUR daddy too! I wish things could have been different and that he was here too. But Daddy is not, will not and can not be here Daya. Its ok to be upset. To which she replies....
" I love you momma! "
And the day goes on.
But seriously.... why?! Why does this ache so badly esp when it effects her?!
Shes so lost, so confused and I cannot always comfort her cause I feel the same way.
I refuse to let her think some things, I don't want her to be like him when she grows up. I don't want her to think running from yourself of others is ok, and that this is how you own your responsibility!
I want better for her and have to stay focused on the fact that the only way I can do so, is to show so!
But that doesn't mean it doesnt kill me! Oy!
Then today I get up only to hear from Roo that " She misses her OLD daddy. She wants a daddy who loves us and is here all the time. ". While looking at me through her tear filled eyes shes looking for an answer and what can I tell her?!
Same thing... I miss YOUR daddy too! I wish things could have been different and that he was here too. But Daddy is not, will not and can not be here Daya. Its ok to be upset. To which she replies....
" I love you momma! "
And the day goes on.
But seriously.... why?! Why does this ache so badly esp when it effects her?!
Shes so lost, so confused and I cannot always comfort her cause I feel the same way.
I refuse to let her think some things, I don't want her to be like him when she grows up. I don't want her to think running from yourself of others is ok, and that this is how you own your responsibility!
I want better for her and have to stay focused on the fact that the only way I can do so, is to show so!
But that doesn't mean it doesnt kill me! Oy!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Direction I am headed
While its been a whirl wind of ( gulp ) almost a month things really are starting to settle back down.
I don't like it one bit and certainly am not happy that this is the choice the man I loved has made but really I cannot change it.
Last time I fought with all I am to save him, save me, save us. This time I don't have it in me. I have to let him go - He wants this. I need this. I want to be done.
I love him enough to let him do this but love myself more that I realize this is not what God would want for me! No one should be alowed to suffer.
I have a plan!
Today I will be filing the seperation petitions. Mike has signed them all - and hopefully this will allow us both the protection we need while we each go along, finding our way. Until its turned to a divorce its how it will be.
My plan is this :
I will go back to school starting April 5th. I have busted my butt trying to get in, get settled and get funding all of which seems to be ok.
While, I cannot take the classes I need until summer ( the college I need is full ) I will jump in with some basics for Spring at the sister campus, and then transfer for Summer. I will keep my PT job as a hearing screener for now, and trust that the other things will fall into place.
If I can fight my way for a couple of years and fully get myself together then it will all pay off in the long run.
I cannot rely on him or anyone else and have to find my way .... the one I can rely on is God!
Im learning to be ok alone, and not feel lonely. Im learning slowly that is. And thats ok.
Im seeking direction, and trying to follow whats right so I don't sit here and " wait " for something that may never be.
I got this great scripture this morning and thought it suited well!
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul" (Psalm 143:8).
One foot infront of the other....
I don't like it one bit and certainly am not happy that this is the choice the man I loved has made but really I cannot change it.
Last time I fought with all I am to save him, save me, save us. This time I don't have it in me. I have to let him go - He wants this. I need this. I want to be done.
I love him enough to let him do this but love myself more that I realize this is not what God would want for me! No one should be alowed to suffer.
I have a plan!
Today I will be filing the seperation petitions. Mike has signed them all - and hopefully this will allow us both the protection we need while we each go along, finding our way. Until its turned to a divorce its how it will be.
My plan is this :
I will go back to school starting April 5th. I have busted my butt trying to get in, get settled and get funding all of which seems to be ok.
While, I cannot take the classes I need until summer ( the college I need is full ) I will jump in with some basics for Spring at the sister campus, and then transfer for Summer. I will keep my PT job as a hearing screener for now, and trust that the other things will fall into place.
If I can fight my way for a couple of years and fully get myself together then it will all pay off in the long run.
I cannot rely on him or anyone else and have to find my way .... the one I can rely on is God!
Im learning to be ok alone, and not feel lonely. Im learning slowly that is. And thats ok.
Im seeking direction, and trying to follow whats right so I don't sit here and " wait " for something that may never be.
I got this great scripture this morning and thought it suited well!
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul" (Psalm 143:8).
One foot infront of the other....
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Not that kind of mom?
So tomorrow Madaya has her first Valentine's Day party at school!
Whoa!Talk about funny.
You know she loves ben cooper .... lol.
So this year I had many intentions. I would make the cutest valentines, the cutest little cupcakes and show everyone just how special Daya's mom is....
Well, heres my admission :
I AM NOT THAT KIND OF MOM!
I really really love to craft, and lord knows I can create beyond all, but this is not about me, this is Daya. So with that I refuse to be one of those mom's who show up only to show off MY work as to show who is who. Its not who I want to be, and honestly don't want to be thought of as " the mom who does it all " . Daya did a great job. She picked out tinker bell cards, hand scribbled on them :) and we made chocolate cupcakes to which we frosted with store bought ( I KNOW CAN YOU BELEIVE US?! ) frosting, and then she put candy hearts on top!
You know what.... I kind of like the fact that I am " Not that kind of mom! ".
I cannot wait to see her party. I am hoping to make it if I don't have a full day at work...
.
1 year and still ..... just.... still
In Loving Memory of Kaydough
Laid to rest Feb 11, 2009.
I'm Still Here
Please don't mourn for me, I'm still here, though you don't see. I'm right by your side each night and day, and within your heart I long to stay. My body is gone, but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear. My spirit is free, but I'll never depart, as long as you keep me alive in your heart. I'll never wander out of your sight, I'm the brightest star on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach, I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach. I'm the colorful leaves, when fall comes around, and the pure white snow that blankets the ground. I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond, the clear cool water in a quiet pond. I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring, the first warm raindrop that April will bring. I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine, and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine. When you start thinking there's no one to love you, you can talk to me through the Lord above you. I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees, and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze. I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep. I'm the smile you see on a baby's face. Just look for me, I'm everyplace!
Please don't mourn for me, I'm still here, though you don't see. I'm right by your side each night and day, and within your heart I long to stay. My body is gone, but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear. My spirit is free, but I'll never depart, as long as you keep me alive in your heart. I'll never wander out of your sight, I'm the brightest star on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach, I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach. I'm the colorful leaves, when fall comes around, and the pure white snow that blankets the ground. I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond, the clear cool water in a quiet pond. I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring, the first warm raindrop that April will bring. I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine, and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine. When you start thinking there's no one to love you, you can talk to me through the Lord above you. I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees, and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze. I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep. I'm the smile you see on a baby's face. Just look for me, I'm everyplace!
Today marks 1 year since we lost our " bubba ".
Ive been " Moody" all day and I guess this is alot to do with it.
Man do we miss that dog! More than a dog, Kaydough was my boy.
It's really crazy to think that even to this day I cannot call him in from outside, to offer him his favorite treat and have a little chat.
Its still so fresh, and so often that Madaya asks of him, and why he is with Jesus. It still hurts.
Our world has come full circle, we have another addition to our fur children, and while I really thought it would ease the pain I still so much feel, in some ways its harder.
Ive been " Moody" all day and I guess this is alot to do with it.
Man do we miss that dog! More than a dog, Kaydough was my boy.
It's really crazy to think that even to this day I cannot call him in from outside, to offer him his favorite treat and have a little chat.
Its still so fresh, and so often that Madaya asks of him, and why he is with Jesus. It still hurts.
Our world has come full circle, we have another addition to our fur children, and while I really thought it would ease the pain I still so much feel, in some ways its harder.
Like now, Hanna looks SO FAT, and fluffy just like bubba did when he was a baby. Its like yesterday! Sometimes it makes me really think Kaydough played a big part in this!
Kaydough is only missed more and more.... but we all hope the pain eases soon!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Its hard being a pup!
You asked - Here it is... the update.
Hanna has been home for 2 weeks now.
Fun times! Lol. That sums alot up.
No, actually it's been pretty good. She has been so good, and fits perfectly with our family.
Big sister Kia, has finally started playing with her, and showing her how to be a dog ( well our dog ), Hanna has decided puppy chow is not good enough for her and now demands to be fed what kia eats ( we make and buy some dog food ). Her favorite game is chasing Madaya around the house, and seems to have taken to resting on Kia's rawhide. She doesnt chew on it, rather using it as a pillow. Weirdo. I am so happy we spent the money on the nice dog bed ( can you see me rolling my eyes? ).
Oh hanna....
We love you!
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